![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Carved in Stone Twelve Miles High
Jan. 20th, 2007
12:44 pm
I think that 'getting my identity from others' really means just that. I mean, it means that someone else sends a message like, "I would never have sex with you. You are not good looking." and I think, "Damn, I'm not good looking." Or again, "You are not as cool as me" and I think, "I guess we're in a coolness heirarchy, and I am very likely less than him."
Why do I do this? I have a hunch that it has to do with the fact that I A) am not very comfortable with myself and B) have something messed up with my internal values detector, so I don't personally know what's good about me and what's not.
I think knowing is the first step, right?
Nov. 3rd, 2006
09:46 am - Goodbye Friends
Hello All,
There is a good chance that this journal will be abusedly left behind in the near future. I got a new, private journal and it just doesn't make sense for me to journal in this one any more. I might give updates about my life and shit, but I'm pretty much done with the old mirror myriad. Goodbye friends, if I don't see you again. I will probably still be leaving comments on your journal entries.
Hunter
Oct. 23rd, 2006
10:31 pm
I talk to some people and I just can't seem to get it right. It seems like every time I open my mouth at least one stupid or self centered thing comes out. I mean, I'm glad when it's just one self centered thing instead of a whole conversation.
Friendship is hard for me. I have always been self seeking in friendships. I've often surrounded myself with people who would let me be king, who I didn't have to give much to. Sometimes when I think back over the past, I can't think of that many really healthy relationships that I've had. I mean, so often people will give and give to me and I won't barely give back at all. I mean, so often I am the hungry mouth to be fed. Jesus, other people are often the more mature ones, the ones more able to give in their relationship to me.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in myself. I make myself out to be Saint Hunter, giving of his time and energy to see someone every now and again. To call. I know I shouldn't beat myself up because I'm actually trying to grow, but I'm just worried that I've lost all my chips with some people. I worry that they've given all they can give, and that I can be too much. I know I'm not a terrible taker that usurps all of people's energy and I know I give back in understanding and what I think of as love. I just want to be whole NOW. I want to be able to stop fucking up every time I talk to the people that I think I really care about, who are most often the people who care the most about me. I want to learn how to be a good friend, because it seems like that part of me is kind of fucked up.
Oct. 22nd, 2006
09:19 pm
I've been getting so pissed off lately. My mom has just come to visit me, she's back from Iraq, and we've had a really good time. Every once in a while I have had this shit bubble up in me that is the same old shit I used to have. I would get really mad at her about her interference and worry about stupid stuff, and then we'd argue, and she'd get upset...It's only happened twice, but it just makes me feel pure evil. I want to be kind and loving, and I mostly succeed, but all the little things that usually bother me and I succeed at suppressing are coming out full force. I can't stuff it down. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe since I'm trying to learn how to let go of other people's shit and let them and my higher power take care of it, I'm being affronted with other people's shit. I guess stuffing my feelings wasn't working for me. This third step is hitting me right at the same time as all this, which is good, but I always feel like I'm learning through trial and error. I guess that is the way I learn best. I guess if I expect to learn in an easier way, I'll have to change my patterns of stubbornness. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
If I've been rude lately, it's just me. It's not you. I love all the people who I usually say "I love you" to. I'm taking some time for myself right now.
Oct. 12th, 2006
11:11 pm
Sometimes I'm a little confused about my own feelings. Well, a lot of times I am. Right now I am going through some of that. What I have realized in this process of becoming more aware about what's going on inside of me is that I didn't know much about myself at all when I was younger. I mean, younger like three years ago when I started this journal. I always looked down in disdain when I saw someone who posted a lot of 'emo' stuff, as well as people who would post one line posts about nothing. I wanted people to post about art, life, soaring emotion, etc. What I have come to realize is that I used most of those things as a way to fill my mind. I could get stressed over the 'great things in life' rather than the 'mundane' so that I wouldn't have to think about the 'mundane'. Steve said to me today, "Underneath all of your bravado, you're a hurting young man."
Steve and I talked a lot today about some of the stuff I've been going through. He gave some wise suggestions, in my opinion. He noticed that I'm trying to tear off more than I can chew, addiction wise. I'm trying to stop depending on drugs and girls for emotional support, while at the same time trying to stop depending on cigarettes, food, and soda. I have this thing where I'll think, "Oh, I should exercise. Maybe I'll go to the gym twice a week for an hour. Well, twice a week isn't so hard, what about three times a week. Austin goes every day, maybe I should just get really healthy. Maybe I should start eating more vegetables too. Fuck! That's too much work. Maybe I won't go to the gym at all." I can sabotoge a lot of good things by making them an insurmountable task.
I want to stop doing that. I understand that I am self-medicating with excessive food, soda, and cigarettes. That's not hurting my life, though. Abusing drugs and girls can. One day I want to be free from all self medication. That can't happen right now, though. I'm trying to be ok with that.
Sometimes this disease makes me believe in spiritual warfare. It seems like every time I have a little control or I'm doing ok in one area, something else pops up. I'm feeling ok with no drugs, but then suddenly I'm more angry than before. It feels like there are demons finding any way to work at me. I mean, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to grow stronger, but it comes with a lot of mental and emotional anguish.
I was talking to a fellow addict a few days ago. I'm grateful for my disease. I wouldn't be the person I was as a child or the person I am today if I was different. I'm starting to believe in god a little bit. I'm working through some of my childhood issues. It's a little scary.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/blackbox/happy.gif){kind=small}
hopefulSep. 28th, 2006
12:25 am
Dude, I was about to write a total little bitch post, but I read a friends' lj and it made me feel much better. I just need an attitude adjustment. Thank you, anonymous-program-buddy-lj-friend-whos-n
Sep. 21st, 2006
05:25 pm
Everyone today said that I looked tired, or that I was being mean, or that I seemed kind of crazy. I have to do something about this.
I get stressed over little shit. This ASMing thing is not what's killing me. It's my lack of time management and my attitude. My theater management teacher told me today, "Hunter, in every example you use you blame someone else for the problem. That's a dangerous attitude to have." I talked to him for a while about it. I told him that it was something I'm working on.
Taking responsibility is so hard when I haven't done for almost all of my life.
Sep. 16th, 2006
Sep. 15th, 2006
Sep. 13th, 2006
09:00 am
I stopped Jeff in the hall two days ago. I was having a rough time with the show I'm ASMing. I halfway just wanted to be in his presence for a few moments, and halfway had some philosophical questions to talk about.
I talked to him about some of the issues I'm dealing with in life as far as helping people get empowered goes. I said I was worried that my life goal might be shifting from empowerment to teaching people to be kind. I was worried that teaching a cruel person how to achieve would just teach them how to be more cruel. Jeff told me a very important point about dealing with cruel people. There is a difference between empowerment and enablement.
After he said enablement, he was like, "I'm sure you know what I mean. Hahaha" I laughed. Jeff usually doesn't make 12 Step jokes. I got what he was saying, though. Most people who have serious control issues or are cruel to others don't really know what they want out of life. I've found that very often their goals simply revolve around having control over others in one way or another (money, power, fame).
It's very similar to what I'm going through now. All of my dreams are wrapped up in rebelliousness. I don't really know what's going on inside. Until I figure myself out, I won't be able to really know what I want out of life.
Empowerment, not enablement. That's my motto right now.
Two and a half more weeks and I can make meetings again. I hope I can survive that long.
hopefulSep. 8th, 2006
12:48 am
Haven't journaled in a while.
I just caused myself a lot of craziness. I forgot that I had a class during time that I would be in rehearsal. Silly me. I had to drop a class and it will probably cost me 200 bucks. That's ok. I've got priorities, and life is smooth when I know what I have to do.
I've been a little depressed lately over the school craziness and some of the pressures in my life. When I get depressed I stop doing everything, which makes it worse. This time I managed to stay above water and not let the fuckits overcome me.
Life is good when I don't cause my own problems. I just wish I could make more NA meetings. I don't think I can go to these AA meetings anymore. Yesterday they were talking shit about drug addicts.
My roomates and I are getting along well. I'm happy.
In summation, life is still sweet.
happySep. 2nd, 2006
12:28 am
9 Months. I worked hard for that yellow fucker.
I've realized something. Buddha didn't die when he achieved enlightenment, as far as the story of Siddhartha goes that I know. He worked as a riverboat man until he died. The only way to Nirvana is through constant hard work that never ends. Nirvana is in the work. All true arts that I've taken part in are like that. You reach a point where there is little elevation, you plateu out and plug along. You reach the highest point of work that you can achieve. It becomes about how much you want to work at it, and if you stop you just get worse.
I have never been there as far as the arts go, but I'm starting to feel that way a little bit with my life. I guess Ive just starting scratching the surface of understanding it intellectually. Understanding it emotionally is when I will face hardship and be able to maintain it.
LJ Program Buddy, what's your name?
Aug. 27th, 2006
09:59 pm
To quote Aesop Rock:
I'm not an asshole I'm just a little confused.
People in the rooms really understand, man. I have been having some issues, and they have such good advice. For example:
"Now that you know what you've done wrong, you can do it again but you will never feel ok about it again."
"The whole thing about breaking the cycle is that you have to start breaking it mid cycle. If you start trying to break it after you've done it or before the next time you do it, you have to wait until the next time. Every time you break the cycle mid cycle, it takes less time to break the next time."
Yeah, it rocks.
Aug. 24th, 2006
04:57 pm
So this whole 'getting honest' thing is really sucking right now.
Getting honest is not only being honest when the situation arises, it's also getting honest about what happens when I do certain things. This includes getting into relationships. When I get into relationships I hurt people's feelings quite often. I can almost say invariably. I depend on other people for my emotional wellbeing. I could be perfectly fine without being romantically involved, but part of me tries really hard to deny that.
I'm also getting honest about my personality. I change my life every 8 months to 2 years. I completely change direction. The pace has been increasing in frequency lately, like 4 months in between phases. I have been looking for something to fix my problems my whole life. I find that something isn't fully fixing me, and then I go to something that seems more promising. NA didn't start like that, but it's become that. I am hoping that it will last longer because at least it's making me aware of the way I operate. Nothing else has really done that so far, outside of my freshman english 1 class.
There are redeeming qualities to the way I have sex and the way I live, but feel like the bad might outweigh the good. I mean, lots of people out there are just looking for gratifying sex and I have personally enjoyed it. I have also enjoyed the fruits of never puting down roots. I've never really felt longterm desperation, I've always basically done exactly as I wanted because nothing held me back. Honestly, I'm not totally through with my lifestyle of change. I'm through for now with my relationship style. I guess now I just have more of an understanding. If I change, it's not because I have found something that will really help me. I am just looking for what MIGHT complete me. If I have a purely sexual relationship, it will just be out of personal weakness and not because it's some kind of holy thing.
Aug. 20th, 2006
Aug. 17th, 2006
01:04 am
Funny thing happened today.
I'm at a meeting and there is this HOT girl there. I've seen her at a few meetings, and I'm not going to try anything because I've given up romance for a while until I get right with myself, but this girl is hot. She has this crazy indie style. Her hair is perpetually crazy, every time I look at her eyes I get reminded of deer drinking from ponds. This is some crazy shit, she's that good looking.
Anyway, this girl is sitting near me at the meeting. I'm nervous because I never sat that close to her. She starts to share and says her name is Vicki. VICKI screams across the viewscreen in my head. I catalog the information, chide myself for being so childish, and then relish in the fact that I know her name.
Then the buzz kill. She starts off like, "I only got 32 days..." And I'm like fuuuck not a good sign. Then I'm like, you should know better idiot. Well, she's really hot. You're not dating anyway. Fuck you, I can look. Not like that. Yes I can. No you can't.
Gahhhh!
Then, out of the conversation in my head I hear, "Yeah, and this kid is starting shit and I've so had it with this middle school shit."
Uh oh. Is she in middle school? Surely she's euphemizing it, like Deicke saying, "Fuck this mickeymouse bullshit." I feel relieved, but slightly less turned on by the sight and sound of this girl.
I walk up to her after the meeting, and casually I ask if she's actually in middle school. She laughs and says, "Yeah, I'm 13."
I hear, "13" repeated in my head in the voice of Mr. Movie Phone, followed thereafter by the Law and Order gavel. I am now reverse-turned on. I keep smiling and shuffle away. I slink up to my friend Danny. I say, "My god. That Vicki girl..." Obviously as turned on by this girl as I am, she says, "I know man. I don't want to talk about it."
Damn. I've never in my life found jailbait attractive. I feel like a dirty old man. I'm only 18! God, why me.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/blackbox/sad.gif){kind=small}
piquedAug. 14th, 2006
06:57 pm
I just had a dream. I've been having a bunch lately. Fever Dreams.
I'm in this huge mall/hotel and I am hanging out with John and Danny. I am having a pretty good time until this guy named Ned comes into the room and holds everyone hostage. He has a friend named Raoul and a couple of others guys keeping watch. Ned leaves, I take off my belt, and I beat the shit out of Raoul after he punches me. He's left all bloody and beat up on the floor. We esacape, but first I say, "I'm going to beat the shit out of Ned." A little girl in white says, "Ned will hurt you. He's killed before." I say, "Then I'll take legal action against him. Kidnapping is against the law."
I leave. I start walking around the mall and end up in this fancy food court. A waiter won't give me service until I clean up and take a shit. He directs me to a 5 or 6 story tall, narrow mirrored building. I go inside and notice it's a two way mirror. I can see everyone outside. I worry if they can see me. The building is hollow with walls of yellow linoleum. There are toilet bowls on opposite walls at every story. I have to jump from one toilet to the next, and for some reason have to poop at the top. I get to the top story and I'm worried that the toilet I'm perched on will cave in. It doesn't. There is soap in one toilet lower, so I climb down to get it. I shove the soap up my butt, and it cleans me.
I walk out of the supertoilet tower and see Danny and John and Abby just hanging out. Abby (who is like 50 in real life and has 23 years clean) is suddenly kind of beautiful. Danny sees me, but I'm in the shadows. We do this shadow dance where she follows my movements but I think she can't see me. I eventually laugh and come out, hugging John and smiling at her. She's smiling reproachfully because she understands, she's done the shadow dance before.
Suddenly, a limosine pulls up. An older man comes out, with a salt and pepper beard. We all get into the limo to wait until he comes back. I'm talking about punk rock and it's relation to metal in the car with this guy. He corrects me on some things and we laugh. Then we start rocking the car. Someone on the other side of the limo reaaally starts rocking the car, and it's obvious that the emergency brake is off. Ned is at the wheel, and he starts the car. We are helpless. He starts taking us down the road. Rotary saw blades come out of the road, and eventually turn on. We're blazing past checkpoints and eventually off roading. I shout, "I'm going to beat the fuck out of Ned!" And the little girl in white says, "He'll kill you. People have died trying to take on Ned." I said, "Then I'll call the police." And I hoped Ned didn't hear me while we went down the road.
In other news, I'm sick and Dawn is nursing me back to health. I'm glad to have such good friends. I'm the sickest I've been since the time I met Sam's mom.
Aug. 12th, 2006
12:57 am
My posts have been becoming shorter and shorter. I think the reason is because I've grown less wordy and abstract, and I've started using this journal like a real journal. When I used to write huge paragraphs with big words and abstract ideas, I was engaging in a defense mechanism. There was thought put behind it, but I have stopped believing in thought for thought's sake. I think people pontificate because they're trying to get to something or trying to get away from something. I'll even take it so far as to say it's the same thing; trying to get to a better way of living and thinking to get away from the current one. I think philosophers are addicted to finding the new-and-better way to live. I think this because I used to think that way.
I heard a great quote on Law and Order once. A guy is talking about how getting shot in the leg is a small price to pay for something or another, and one of the investigators says, "Only a person who's never been shot will say that it's no big deal to get shot." I was like, DAMN this is true. Only people who have never been in a fight will think they can take really big guys or crazy small guys. I also think that only people who have never really been in love will compare it to music or roses blooming or any pretty shit like that.
Love isn't a battlefield or a garden or anything inanimate. I think people like explaining love because they have no idea how to understand it otherwise, mostly because they've never felt it. Artists are so often the most emotionally detached and fantastically warped people out there. The more I understand human emotion, the simpler I speak, and the less I feel the urge to explain it.
It's give and take. It's likely there will come a point where I will no longer reach the masses of artsy people in the world. I don't feel superior to them because they can't understand me. I would have in the past. Now I feel sad.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/blackbox/relaxed.gif){kind=small}
calmAug. 9th, 2006
11:48 pm
Anybody ever notice that for some reason all of your friends from middle and high school are suddenly way hot?
I keep asking god, what's up with that?
Aug. 6th, 2006
01:01 pm
I'm reading this book, Ishmael, and although some of the premises I'm having trouble choking down, it has definitely helped me see that my life is bound up around rebellion. I may have fortified and sophisticated my ideas since middle school, they are the same in spirit. I just don't want anyone telling me what to do. The only way for me not to be told what to do is to create a system where there are no bosses.
Strangely, I'm not really attracted to controling others as a means of not being controlled. I don't know if that's because I have the emotional understanding that all bosses have bosses, or just because I don't want to see myself as the kind of person I detest.
I'm having trouble grappling with this idea, because I feel like all-in-all I might just be against one thing, and not for anything.
I'm going to do some research on primitive lifestyles, and if Ishmael turns out right, I'll probably join a commune or get in touch with my indian roots.
Navigate: (Previous 20 Entries)