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Carved in Stone Twelve Miles High
Jan. 20th, 2007
12:44 pm
I think that 'getting my identity from others' really means just that. I mean, it means that someone else sends a message like, "I would never have sex with you. You are not good looking." and I think, "Damn, I'm not good looking." Or again, "You are not as cool as me" and I think, "I guess we're in a coolness heirarchy, and I am very likely less than him."
Why do I do this? I have a hunch that it has to do with the fact that I A) am not very comfortable with myself and B) have something messed up with my internal values detector, so I don't personally know what's good about me and what's not.
I think knowing is the first step, right?
Nov. 3rd, 2006
09:46 am - Goodbye Friends
Hello All,
There is a good chance that this journal will be abusedly left behind in the near future. I got a new, private journal and it just doesn't make sense for me to journal in this one any more. I might give updates about my life and shit, but I'm pretty much done with the old mirror myriad. Goodbye friends, if I don't see you again. I will probably still be leaving comments on your journal entries.
Hunter
Oct. 23rd, 2006
10:31 pm
I talk to some people and I just can't seem to get it right. It seems like every time I open my mouth at least one stupid or self centered thing comes out. I mean, I'm glad when it's just one self centered thing instead of a whole conversation.
Friendship is hard for me. I have always been self seeking in friendships. I've often surrounded myself with people who would let me be king, who I didn't have to give much to. Sometimes when I think back over the past, I can't think of that many really healthy relationships that I've had. I mean, so often people will give and give to me and I won't barely give back at all. I mean, so often I am the hungry mouth to be fed. Jesus, other people are often the more mature ones, the ones more able to give in their relationship to me.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in myself. I make myself out to be Saint Hunter, giving of his time and energy to see someone every now and again. To call. I know I shouldn't beat myself up because I'm actually trying to grow, but I'm just worried that I've lost all my chips with some people. I worry that they've given all they can give, and that I can be too much. I know I'm not a terrible taker that usurps all of people's energy and I know I give back in understanding and what I think of as love. I just want to be whole NOW. I want to be able to stop fucking up every time I talk to the people that I think I really care about, who are most often the people who care the most about me. I want to learn how to be a good friend, because it seems like that part of me is kind of fucked up.
Oct. 22nd, 2006
09:19 pm
I've been getting so pissed off lately. My mom has just come to visit me, she's back from Iraq, and we've had a really good time. Every once in a while I have had this shit bubble up in me that is the same old shit I used to have. I would get really mad at her about her interference and worry about stupid stuff, and then we'd argue, and she'd get upset...It's only happened twice, but it just makes me feel pure evil. I want to be kind and loving, and I mostly succeed, but all the little things that usually bother me and I succeed at suppressing are coming out full force. I can't stuff it down. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe since I'm trying to learn how to let go of other people's shit and let them and my higher power take care of it, I'm being affronted with other people's shit. I guess stuffing my feelings wasn't working for me. This third step is hitting me right at the same time as all this, which is good, but I always feel like I'm learning through trial and error. I guess that is the way I learn best. I guess if I expect to learn in an easier way, I'll have to change my patterns of stubbornness. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
If I've been rude lately, it's just me. It's not you. I love all the people who I usually say "I love you" to. I'm taking some time for myself right now.
Oct. 12th, 2006
11:11 pm
Sometimes I'm a little confused about my own feelings. Well, a lot of times I am. Right now I am going through some of that. What I have realized in this process of becoming more aware about what's going on inside of me is that I didn't know much about myself at all when I was younger. I mean, younger like three years ago when I started this journal. I always looked down in disdain when I saw someone who posted a lot of 'emo' stuff, as well as people who would post one line posts about nothing. I wanted people to post about art, life, soaring emotion, etc. What I have come to realize is that I used most of those things as a way to fill my mind. I could get stressed over the 'great things in life' rather than the 'mundane' so that I wouldn't have to think about the 'mundane'. Steve said to me today, "Underneath all of your bravado, you're a hurting young man."
Steve and I talked a lot today about some of the stuff I've been going through. He gave some wise suggestions, in my opinion. He noticed that I'm trying to tear off more than I can chew, addiction wise. I'm trying to stop depending on drugs and girls for emotional support, while at the same time trying to stop depending on cigarettes, food, and soda. I have this thing where I'll think, "Oh, I should exercise. Maybe I'll go to the gym twice a week for an hour. Well, twice a week isn't so hard, what about three times a week. Austin goes every day, maybe I should just get really healthy. Maybe I should start eating more vegetables too. Fuck! That's too much work. Maybe I won't go to the gym at all." I can sabotoge a lot of good things by making them an insurmountable task.
I want to stop doing that. I understand that I am self-medicating with excessive food, soda, and cigarettes. That's not hurting my life, though. Abusing drugs and girls can. One day I want to be free from all self medication. That can't happen right now, though. I'm trying to be ok with that.
Sometimes this disease makes me believe in spiritual warfare. It seems like every time I have a little control or I'm doing ok in one area, something else pops up. I'm feeling ok with no drugs, but then suddenly I'm more angry than before. It feels like there are demons finding any way to work at me. I mean, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to grow stronger, but it comes with a lot of mental and emotional anguish.
I was talking to a fellow addict a few days ago. I'm grateful for my disease. I wouldn't be the person I was as a child or the person I am today if I was different. I'm starting to believe in god a little bit. I'm working through some of my childhood issues. It's a little scary.
hopefulSep. 28th, 2006
12:25 am
Dude, I was about to write a total little bitch post, but I read a friends' lj and it made me feel much better. I just need an attitude adjustment. Thank you, anonymous-program-buddy-lj-friend-whos-n
Sep. 21st, 2006
05:25 pm
Everyone today said that I looked tired, or that I was being mean, or that I seemed kind of crazy. I have to do something about this.
I get stressed over little shit. This ASMing thing is not what's killing me. It's my lack of time management and my attitude. My theater management teacher told me today, "Hunter, in every example you use you blame someone else for the problem. That's a dangerous attitude to have." I talked to him for a while about it. I told him that it was something I'm working on.
Taking responsibility is so hard when I haven't done for almost all of my life.
Sep. 16th, 2006
Sep. 15th, 2006
Sep. 13th, 2006
09:00 am
I stopped Jeff in the hall two days ago. I was having a rough time with the show I'm ASMing. I halfway just wanted to be in his presence for a few moments, and halfway had some philosophical questions to talk about.
I talked to him about some of the issues I'm dealing with in life as far as helping people get empowered goes. I said I was worried that my life goal might be shifting from empowerment to teaching people to be kind. I was worried that teaching a cruel person how to achieve would just teach them how to be more cruel. Jeff told me a very important point about dealing with cruel people. There is a difference between empowerment and enablement.
After he said enablement, he was like, "I'm sure you know what I mean. Hahaha" I laughed. Jeff usually doesn't make 12 Step jokes. I got what he was saying, though. Most people who have serious control issues or are cruel to others don't really know what they want out of life. I've found that very often their goals simply revolve around having control over others in one way or another (money, power, fame).
It's very similar to what I'm going through now. All of my dreams are wrapped up in rebelliousness. I don't really know what's going on inside. Until I figure myself out, I won't be able to really know what I want out of life.
Empowerment, not enablement. That's my motto right now.
Two and a half more weeks and I can make meetings again. I hope I can survive that long.
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